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Tuesday, June 24

Just two days.


Two days is already enough to rip me apart emotionally, with the return of all the CT papers. It is really unsettling how great an impact they have on me this time, when I've always been cool about getting not-so-great results. Perhaps its the sense of self inferiority when I see myself placed among the bottom of my class each time, and my class is well placed at the bottom of the cohort as well, making me the bottom of the cohort.



It scaring me when I see how everyone is trying to buck up and putting in efforts in their studies while I could still heck-care my way through. Its time to change. Seriously. I need to start studying. I need to have more motivation and determination. I need to perserve because its do or die for me now. I need to stop thinking Im so great that I can score even with last minute studying because I sure cant. I need to instill will power.


I always say, its okay, its okay...this is just CTs,if you get 4 As for A levels, who the hell will care if you fail your CTs? But the truth is, its not okay. Not at all. By saying that, im assuming that I will, eventually, get those 4As. Judging by my grades, and attitude right now, its nearly impossible. An uphill task indeed.



I recalled telling Sherf that "Old habits die hard"


To which she replied, "If there's a will, there's a way."


And I had nothing to counter, until Yihui said, "The mind may be willing but the flesh is weak"


How true indeed.


But then, cheryl's msn nick served as an inspiration once more: Nothing is impossible, even the word "IMPOSSIBLE" says "I M POSSIBLE".


So no matter how demoralised I am, no matter how dumb and inferior I feel compared to others, and no matter how terrible my grades are, I will not let them affect me too much. Instead, this setback shall only serve to be my strength to work towards my goal of As.


Anyway, just a mini overview of how terrible my grades were:

Maths: S (on the dot)

Its my best subject so you can imagine how I felt after seeing those grades in red. Drastic fall from an A in promos to a U now. Talk about complacency. I feel so guilty about it. Well, at least its a lesson learn to never take things for granted. If you don't work for it, why should they come to you easily? Pride comes before fall is so apt to describe me.

Bio: Straight U

Disappointed of course. But what can I expect if I practically didnt study due to that major fever of mine? Still, it was no excuse. If I had studied earlier, I probably wouldnt have it that bad. All boils down to my laziness. Maybe Im dumb. Who knows?

Chem: Straight U

Immediate U in fact. I entered the examination hall knowing thats the grade I would get. Actually getting a U isnt a problem with me. Its the extent of my failure. Being a kaypoh girl I scanned the chem list to see the lowest grades in class. No surprise that it appears that I am ranked second in class for chem, from the back. Chem really feels so hopeless for me. I feel like im in this tunnel where I'll never get to see light. I feel so helpless and lost whenever Im faced with it, and I'll always try to avoid anything CHEM. Now Im going to face chem bravely. No more escaping anymore. There is no point.


GP: D

The first subject I passed. Surprisingly, it was my essay which pulled me up.I've never ever gotten anything more than a 25 from Ducro before so this 30 comes as a great encouragement for me. I'll try and try to improve. No more excuses. This CT is a Wake Up Call.



To sum things up, I WILL be undaunted though shakened by this failure. I SHALL strive to overcome the strong forces of attraction to the computer. I MUST start producing and investing in consumer goods rather than thinking about producing capital goods for long run benefits all the time. If everyone in my country produces capital goods, granted there will be more consumer goods in the future, but will enough of the population survive to reach the future? Im talking rubbish here so don't read this if you don't want me to corrupt your econs.



I thought I couldnt care less. But somehow I am wrong. Oh heck, now's not the time to care.

Our Promise (:
8:34 PM