Just kaypohed around, looking at other's blogs. quite interesting to read though. this one had loads of pictures but little words. cool. as they say, a picture tells a thousand words. so there's prob a lot of hidden meaning behind all those pictures.
went for dental appointment yesterday. horrid mann, really horrid. I don't understand why on earth did i choose that colour. Its algae green for your info! now my poor teeth looks as if its invaded with weird greenish algae. I don't even dare to open my mouth now. so all i can do is to clam my mouth shut tightly and when i wanna smile, smile without opening my stupid mouth. better still, don't smile at all. i regret choosing green. stupid. now that i recall, the dental nurse gave me a quizzical look when i said i wanted that green and she asked:"Are u sure?" I was so stunned that i nodded my head. i think she knows. knows that it'll look horrid. especially on a person like me. who can't even choose colours well.
Im actually supposed to have tuition this morning. but my tuition teacher didnt call(not that i want her to call...i just wanna show her my chinees paper...if i had a choice i want her to come for 5 minutes, look thru my paper then go home)so i don't have to have tuition this morning. which is actually a good thing, cos i didnt do my tuition homework at all. Im such a not dependable person. wadever my tuition teacher askes me to do, i always don't do until the last minute.i rmb there was a time when we were doing compo, she said sth like, bu yao ling shi bao fuo jiao(don't do last minute stuffs) then she gave me this meaningful look and i knew she knew i was like that. haiz, was so horribly ashamed of myself and promised to myself that i would change. but look! Im back to the old ways again. as the saying goes, jiang shan neng gai ben xing nan yi (a leopard never changes its spots), i guess i cant wash away my spots anytime too soon. It'll probably take ages.
Im gonna cut my hair today.
discussed it with my mom last night. she claims that i've been dropping too much hair and if i wanna save myself from becoming completely bald, i have to take immediate action. I was so shocked by my imaginated hairless head that i agreed to cut almost immediately. then it dawned upon me when my mom sat down there, smiling slyly, with an evil glint in her eyes, praising me for knowing wads the best for myself. I knew it. I was conned. I felt into her carefully thought out plan to get me to cut my hair. Or could it also to part of daddy's plan to save water and save electricity? they both know that i use more water when i have more hair to wash and i use more electricity when i have more hair to dry. so they want to put a stop to it. they want to cut of the unnecessary water bill, unnecessary electricity bill, and unnecessary hair. so smart. use this kind of despicable method to trick me. but i cant say im very smart either. mei xiang dao wo jing ran lun luo dao zhe ge di bu.
I decided to give myself prep talks, like lena did for Harold. i wanna be more confident! but can i? hmmm...i shall start with listing out all my good qualities!
....but i think its easier to list the bad ones first then figure out how to change it for the better? ok. so its decided.
MY BAD POINTS: 1)too insecure (i guess i am. one evidence is that i usually answer a question with a question mark. like if someone askes, how're u feeling today? i'll be like, erm, im ok? yeah...sth to that effect.)
2)Mean (i seem to have mean thoughts all the time...sadistic too...like when im walking along orchard road or sth i'll suddenly imagine a bomb blasting somewhere near me.)
3)lazy (don't do homework, don't study, don't help my sister with her homework cos too lazy to think...)
4) Unobservant (my mom always says that of me. A man with a huge bomb can stand beside me for two hours and i won't notice if he is carrying a bomb. I'll just notice his height.)
5)Slow to react (my sister always says that...to make her laugh i used to pretend to be slow all the time, now i think im really becoming like that...all ur fault u little idiotic sister!)
6) not intelligent yet not diligent (exactly the reason why you should work hard, says my mother. yeah yeah, im 0% near sucess.)
7)Too straightforward (easily offends others without myself knowing it, then i look at the person and thinks she is not bothered by it. then i find out from another person that she is incredibly mad at me fot saying these stuffs straight into her face and she wants to sever all ties from me. i apologise of cos, she told me its alright. then i found out from my frens again that she is still fuming mad inside. too bad im not a powerful Legilimens like snape, or i'll be able to know wads going on in her head without having to rely on others.)
8)too gullible(i can actually believe wad others say even though it sounds incredible! then later i see their smiling faces and i know i was duped. so embarrassing!)
9) erm...never mind...my brain doesnt seem to work now
maybe the truthful way of phrasing is that i have too many bad points that it'll take forever to get them all listed out one by one. this is the cold hard truth...but i cant accept it...so i try to warp my own thinking.
who cares?
everyone has their own bad qualities.
Bananas in pyjamas, are running round the house... Bananas in pyjamas, are screaming in the house...
B1: Hello B2! had a great morning? B2: hello B1! HAD A GREAT MORNING! B1: Oh really? B2: Oh really. B1: I see, that's very nice isnt it? B2: yes, you see, that's very nice. B1: Can u please stop copying wad i say? B2: can i stop copying wad you say? can i say no? B1: no, you can't say no B2: I can't say no? B1: yes, you cant say no. B2: Says who? B1: Says me. B2: Alright i'll listen to you B1: I knew you would listen to me B2: then i won't listen to you! B1: baah! Go eat shit. Irritating B1! B2: Ha! i agree! B1: wad? i meant B2. B2: no, you said B1. B1: i said B1 but i meant B2! B2: bleah. fine. have it your way. goodbye and good riddance. B1: Same to you, B2. btw, B2, you seem to be rotting. your skin is turning to an unhealthy dark brown! how disgusting. get someone to eat you quick! B2: Who will eat me in this state? Human: Ah, i like half rotten bananas. i'll take it and eat it up. B1: goodbye B2, i'll miss you. B2: goodbye B1, i'll miss you too! Human: gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble. yummy.
Im so damn lame. fancy writing bout bananas in pyjamas.
Our Promise (:
9:31 AM
Friday, July 29
Its been a long time since i blogged. haven really had the time to do so. too busy i guess. but not exactly in the study sense. Im too busy reading books. nothing much really happened all this while. i guess i must be getting boring now. cant seem to write well at all.
yesterday we had scrabble. i played against Xinyi. boy, was it scary mann. my palms were sweating and all. if not for my bingo i would probably have lost to a huge margin. then so malu. but lady luck was on my side, she kept smiling to me, looking down at my tiles and using a gentle breeze to guide my hands to shift the tiles to a bingo and gave me several magical touches to get the tiles i wanted. on the opposite side, my formidable opponent clutched her head hard, thinking hard. then, she slaps down some tiles, shaking her head in despair, saying that it aint good. i was secretly happy and then i stared in utter horror when it was 20 over points. if 20 points is little, then wad is some 10 pointer moves which i made?towards the end of the game, my heart was almost out of my mouth already. the gap was so close that i was almost certain that she would catch up any moment. the clock was ticking away, almost as fast as my heart. my hands were also pratically dripping with sweat. then, finally, it was over. i heaved a sigh of relief. i had won. whoohoo! but the sad fact awaits me. i know its all lady luck's doings. who knows when she may decide to help my next opponent instead. i just had to face the fact. i need to have talent, luck cant help me last forever.
had some physics test today. i know i will fail it. i can also say confidently, i failed it. i knew it right before the test started. and i suppose mrs low knew it too. she came up to me and told me, "you have to work harder for my subject you know? got any questions ask me, dun wait until its too late ah..." hmmm...wads that supposed to mean? cant be anything positive im sure. i mean, u dun go around telling this kind of stuffs to ppl you think are good don't you? you only do this to ppl who are utter failures and needs to be pushed to work hard. which i guess i belong to. its no use denying, so i'll come clear with it. I AM HORRIBLE AT PHYSICS. nothing extraordinary i suppose. i think everyone knows it already. i would be really surprised if i pass. which isnt likely to be possible, so the surprise is off, sadly. but nvm, at least im still good at other stuffs like...erm...not to worry, i'll come up with sth. ahs....lets me think, it'll just take a sec...well...hmmm...i think it'll be better if i don't say it right? there's just....erm..too many! so i think i'll be modest. i start with my bad subjects. then u minus them off and count the number of good ones. it'll be quite a number u know...coming from me. in fact, u'll be really surprised! its just like me to give u such a pleasant little surprise right? anyway...
MY BAD SUBJECTS... 1)Physics (F9, F9, F9...wad more is there to expect?) 2)E and A maths (cant seem to do well even though munyee claims: "Your trigo is good!" yeah right. even if it is good, do u think they'll test trigo and only trigo for the Os?) 3)chemistry (cant rmb loads of stuffs...especially formulas. simply cannot memorise) 4)Biology (no matter how hard i seem to work fot bio, i can never seem to get more than a B grade. im such a failure) 5)Social studies/history (source base sucks. structured question only done by luck. my intuition saved me twice. i don't think i'll be "third time lucky".) 6)English (i only get an A for group work. the highest i ever got for individual pieces is just an A2...and its only once. thank you, group mates. i owe it all to you) 7)Higher Chinese (even my chinese teacher only got an A2 for it given his writing skills, wad else can i expect other than a F9? and i can hardly write for nuts) 8)Chinese (i only seem to do well because i have lots of time to plan wad i want to write at home. during exam, how much time do i have? one hr prob. and no in between tea breaks to relax my senses. and my zao ju sucks. my tuition teacher can tell u that. i can tell that she knows how lousy my zao ju standard is. sometimes she don't even bother to ask me how to zao ju, she straight away zao for me and make me memorise) 9)English Literature (it seems really consitent isn't it? 19, 20 out of 25? but no. i only get this kind of grades because i use mrs tian's notes and i refer to the textbook and all. want me to write without equipping me with my full-of-notes-joy-luck-club-book and i'll give you shit. u probably dun want to read it.)
yeah...thats bout all...take the subjects i take and minus those above off and u get... erm...im sure your maths is great. u can do that yourself. so, don't you admire me for the number of good subjects i have? Its a lot already kays.
actually, thats about all i have to say, goodbye, goodnight and last of all, good ridance, whoever you are.
have a great and fanstatic day!
remember, im your friend always, whoever-you-are-as-long-as-you-are-nice
oh yes, i love seafood...rmb to buy me some hermit crabs, whoever-you-are-that-is-my-fren-and-has-hermit-crabs
ah, my phone's a lil old...rmb to get me a new one, whoever-you-are-that-is-my-fren-with-loads-of-extra-phones-or-cash
yes.
im sure you know
im just crapping away...
cos im feeling hyper...
even though i'll fail physics...
but i very kan de kai one
i understand the need to fail...
everyone fails b4 isnt it?
at least im not the only one...
but
farewell...
until another day...
i feel like singing...
lalalala....
sweet dreams....zzzzzzzZZZZZZZZ
Our Promise (:
7:28 PM
Thursday, July 21
Awwwww....so sad....SNG lost to Singapore Sports School by a mere one point!....haha....or else we might get holiday.
Hwa Chong so good...double champs for so long liao...but some youngs HCers are so mean. they said, we all double champs, shouldnt walk with single champs. but who cares? just a bunch of idiots they are. no mood to blog...still got loads of hw left to do... so i guess i'll just stop here...
bet its the shortest entry i ever typed. haha!
Our Promise (:
8:18 PM
Saturday, July 16
"No. huifang said its seventy five. Shuming too. And i don't appreciate you scolding me as having bad memory. I remember what you said that's why I asked again! You know what? You are insensitive and impatient. Don't think that just because your memory is fantastic then im lesser than you." (replied sam.)
Ouch. Right. Im insensitive and impatient. but have u ever thought of why i said your memory is bad? you asked me that yesterday. Today, u asked again. How am i to know what Huifang and shuming said? you gave me no chance to defend myself and condemned me as insensitive and impatient. Don't forget, you also sounded very impatient and irritated when you had to tell me twice that you were going to Cebu. Does this mean that you have the right to be angry and irritated but i don't? And you're putting words in my mouth too! When on earth did i think that you are lesser than me?! I never meant anything like that! this goes to show wad you think of me, deep down in your heart. have you always seen me as one who doesnt care for other's feelings and looks down on others? you could have at least told me that you just wanna confirm, so i know that you remember or sth!
"No one needs to say anything...you can tell from the implication of the words. And i don't think im unreasonable. I just feel that can you at least show some patience to your friend? 'What? I thought I told you before?', 'your memory is very bad', 'why do u keep asking the same question again?' do you know how it feels like? it feels like your chiding me, like, 'sheesh, keep coming to bother me about the same old thing!' and 'can't you rmb the simplest of things?!' thats what you are thinking." (She replies again)
Yes, yes, you're always right and im always wrong. Whatever it is, it's you who are right. Yeah, im insensitive. When you sounded irritated with me becos of the Cebu thing, i bit back my tongue. I knew you were feeling frustrated becos of the book review. I didnt state any unhappiness, but im insensitive. I've always tried hard not to pick a quarrel but sometimes i used the wrong words and you misinterpreted it. im insensitive. i tried to tell you wad i really meant, u insisted on the opposite and im insensitive. I'm out the whole day, frustrated and tired cos i didnt study and i was surprised you asked about the cheng yu thing, which i told you yesterday. im insensitive and impatient. Yeah, thats right. im wad you think. Mr Bad Guy and you, the victim. I might have touched a raw nerve when i said about your memory, but did u know that there were many a times when what you said insulted me terribly and hurt my self esteem but i never did say a word. I didnt want to make a mountain out of a molehill. But im insensitive. Why? Because i said the wrong thing. because you think i am.
Why do you think i look down on you? We've been friends so many years. Surely you can understand? Surely you know that i'll never think that way? but you didnt.
Im impatient and insensitive in your eyes.
Our Promise (:
10:32 PM
Friday, July 15
Whoa. Just had listening compre today. So sad. I think i got one question wrong already. Mt tuition teacher tried to comfort me by saying, "Cai yi ti er yi" (its just one question). It doesnt help. I could have gotten others wrong too. Ah well. we played soccer today. quite fun. i tripped Hannah by accident, almost kicking her instead of the ball. there was a funny incident too! Hui ting kicked for the ball and her shoe flew off. it was so funny. (i dunno if she hit the ball, maybe she missed it?) i scored a goal but don't think anyone noticed. we were all too busy screaming and laughing.
My sister asked why everything in this blog is about me, me and only me. she says that it would seem like im too self centred. But isn't it supposed to be like that? A blog is supposed to be somewhere to state your opinions and thoughts and not talking about others all the time. I'm feeling worried all of a sudden. Worried for everything, O lev,tests, homeworks....etc. i've worried so much, i've become so tired. tired of everything. I feel like I wanna go into a deep sleep to have all my worries washed off. Only then shall i wake, feeling refreshed and rejuvenated, all ready to meet the challenges of a new day.
tmr, harry potter is arriving at my doorstep. but my sis gets to read it first. its her birthday present. i dun really feel like reading much, feel too tired. physically tired of course. I dun ever want to be emotionally tired. thats the worst tiredness ever. A tiredness which is the hardest to overcome.
Anyway,i heard that there is gonna be a new scrabble competition going on. better go and memorise 3 letter words. i know there is saz, bez, fez, lez, rez, sez, biz, fiz, jiz, miz, riz, wiz, coz,moz, poz, cuz,luz, gju, gnu, zel, zee, zed, zho, zin and so on. better go and remember more. oh yes. there's SS and HC to study for...oh well...gotta go study then (though im reluctant to do so)
*haven been writing lit essays for a long time. hope i wont do badly when one finally appears.
Our Promise (:
10:12 PM
Thursday, July 14
today is thursday. we had this rehearsal for the poetry in harmony thing and i (and some others) had to pretend to be dead. i wonder if this signifies anything. is this supposed to be an omen of sth bad befalling on me? but it cant be i suppose. does it mean sth bad too will happen on my friends? Wad nonsense. I must be reading too much of JLC. Cant believe it. i keep thinking and writing all these weird stuffs. cant stop it no matter wad.
i surprised myself even more when i found that i can actually understand miss quek's teachings and is able to do the maths questions at an almost as fast rate as munyee. i say "almost" because i know i can hardly do anything as fast as her. maybe i sleep faster than her, but thats really about all.
During english lesson, just as i was furiously scribbling out the last portion of my discursive essay and wondering if it was too short, Mrs Tian gave a huge sigh and pointed out, "Girls, we want quality, not quantity." it almost seemed as if she could read my mind and is reminding me. i felt pleased for a moment. No need for quantity, quality is enough.I smiled for a moment, then looked down at my paper. something was not right. I suddenly realised i had neither quality or quantity! wad a failure i felt i was! but im used to it. one must learn to accept failures and not let it deter you from succeeding. i strongly believed in that and i've accepted failures after failures. I'm still waiting for a time where i'll succeed but i hope its soon enough. My patience is running out.
Patience. I think that one must also be patient in handling a scrabble game. Take your time to think but don't take too long. I played with Rina today. I won and i got happy. I thought i was back on form. But Austin had to come and burst and bubble. He presented the disappointing fact that i was not playing as well as before after a thorough evaluation of the game. I made several mistakes here and there. I opened up the board too much. All these mistakes which he pointed out i knew, just before placing the tiles down. I knew I was giving Rina plenty of space when i placed "rainy" down. True enough, she made use of triple word. When Rina told me she had a "Q", i knew that she would place "Q" at triple letter when it was her turn. Yet, i made no attempt to stop it. I was unwilling to sacrifice putting down something worth so little. I guess this bit of me is like Rose Hsu Jordon, who makes no attempt to save her marriage even though she knew it was falling apart and just let it happen. If i were playing against jeridyn, i would most definitely not put "rainy" down. Knowing jeridyn, doing that would produce devastating destruction for me. But i was already leading Rina by 80 over points. 30 points didnt really mean much to me. I felt that she could not catch up with me(ps: they say pride comes before fall...maybe im gonna fall soon). True enough she didnt, but it gave Austin some mistakes to write down. i think i shall be more careful next time, regardless of who my opponent is.
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I envy ppl with brothers. it seems and sounds so nice to complain, my brother did this, my brother did that. I had a brother too, but bot a real one. He's just my godbrother, someone who used to live next door.I rmb when i was young, i used to stay at my neighbour's house from morning(when my parents went to work) to night (when my parents came back from work) daily. I loved staying there a lot and i rmb disturbing my godbrother a lot. I still miss that house a lot....last time i was very hardworking. every afternoon when i return from PAP, i would crouch on the floor near the door to do my homework. i would not have lunch until i finished my homework. What a stark contrast between the past and the present! I hoped to have more of these days but unfortunatly, my neighbours moved away. i was really sad and i rmb sobbing bitterly. A new family moved in. I never really noticed them until i was in upper primary. I can only recall the youngest daughter standing at the door and i would wave to her at times. there are occasional meetings with the rest of the family but no, we hardly communicated with each other.Its sad really, since most neighbours are very good friends. all my connections with downstairs neighbours stopped when they moved out. Ah wells... but anyway, i'm gonna be neighbours with Sam next time when i grow older. not so lonely mah....
Note to myself: To become better at Scrabble, I've got to play more, think more and remember more. Everything the more the merrier. Anyway, i've got a spilting headache right now... gotta go sleep (but not before completing my tuition homework! See...i so hardworking...)
yeah right.
Our Promise (:
9:09 PM
Wednesday, July 13
we had four periods of maths today. surprisingly i rather enjoyed having maths lesson today. it was a great feeling to be able to understand wad the teacher is talking about and my insides were plaesantly warm when i found that i could actually do these questions given by miss quek at a pace similar or even faster than the rest of the class.
we were scolded by mrs low for our classroom cleaniness. i felt irritated agian. i guess i'm always lke that whenever i know i'm in the wrong. It just disturbs me to have my mistakes made known and i'll instead feel rebellious. i hope the teachers dun read this. dont want them to know wad i think of them, just like i dont really want to know wad others think of me. im curious to know, of course, but i just dun have the courage to find out(even tho i checked the net for my name). im not sure how i'll react if i see that someone i know actually hates me to te core. but i believe nobody really hates me. im too insignificant. they prob cant even be bothered to get mad at me. still, its really better not to find out or my self esteem'll prob drop to zero.
we had extra literature lessons and it was pretty fun writing and writing non stop. mrs tian's love for the joy luck club is infectious. i found myself liking the book more and more. i began to see wad mrs tian meant. sometimes, u can simply relate yourself or anyone u know to any one character in the JLC. i think my sister is a little like Rose, always so indecisive and hates making decisions. it's no good of cos. Let's just hope she doesnt meet that Ted. if she does, pray that Ted doesn lose a lawsuit.
i'm glad we're doing the JLc actually. at first i really thought that the book was dead boring. i counldt understand a single thing and i couldnt be bothered to try and understand(like jing mei cant be bothered to learn chinese) but later on, i found out how interesting it actually is after the first chapter was over. i've always enjoyed literature since sec 1. i loved the book Sing to the Dawn but sec2's The Pearl wasnt really nice. it was the JLC which made me feel relieved that i took literature. it's that good, but a good teacher helps to make the lesson interesting too.
my mom wanted me to read about the NKF thing in the newspaper. she was fairly pissed by mrs goh's statement that $600 000 was peanuts to one who runs a million dollar charitable organisation. i feel pissed too. a rich person might think that $600 000 is peanuts but there are ppl who have neva even seen $600 000 in their entire life. it's definitely not right to make use of money given by poorer ppl to lavishly furnish toilets! wad's wrong with a normal tap? do they really have to have gold plated taps? my mother felt strongly for this topic. i think its because she has been poor before. wad does the rich know about the sufferings of the poor? they have to scrimp and save just to get their daily necessities or have their 3 meals. anyway, the way T T DURAI (he so idiotic man, says my sis) spoke in the Q and A thing made me think of a rebellious teenager retorting back when he is in the wrong.
my dad juz brought back a CD sung by a thai singer Thongchai. somehow or rather, i quite like Thai stuffs. i like Thailand (my favourite country i've been to so far), i like Thai songs (very cute tune) , i also like certain thai ppl (Boonsak Ponsana) i think some Thai ppl do have exceptionally good looks. Boonsak for one, has this unstoppable boyish charm radiating from him. too bad he isnt really performing well now. i hardly see him at any badminton finals, which is really sad. but at least i still have his tape when he played in Olympics last year.
someone just called to carry out a survey. i got all excited and was all ready and prepared to take the survey. then the person asked, " are u above 15 years old?" how disappointing! i shook my head. "huh?" the man asked. i suddenly rmbed that he couldnt see me shaking my head. so i choked out "no" the man laughed and asked"then is there anyone in ur family who r above 15 yrs old?" "er... my mother?" "does she speak english or mandarin" "erm... both?" then i realised how uncertain i sounded. how little confidence i had. i always replies with a question mark, showing how unsure i was. i think i should change that fact. maybe it will help to make more commanding?
I suddenly thought of sth, of all the daughthers in JLC, i had always wanted to be Waverly, but now i suddenly realised how alike Jing Mei and i are. we both value our mother's opinions but yet do not want to show it. we both want to go against our mothers and do the exact opposite of wad our mothers want us to do. we both like to imagine ourselves portraying the prodigy side of us but yet r impatient and do not want to work hard. the imagination part is wad really links me to jingmei. i love to imagine myself as a genius of all sorts since young. i've been to paris for a concert, i've been world N0.1 in table tennis and badminton, i've been the best actress in Hollywood, i've been the inventor of the 20th century, i've been the top student of uni. everything. every night i think of myself as a different somebody with extraordinary talents which marvel the world and caused them to squeal in excitement whenever they heard my name. i loved thinking about such stuffs. it gives me immense pleasure (u're mad)to see myself so successful even tho it is not real. every nite i immersed myself in this world of sucess and fame. every morning i'm famous. but when i stare into the mirror, i do not see the face of one filled with confidence due to fame. i just see the face of this tired and sulky looking girl, annoyed at having to wake up so early and wanting to climb back into bed to sleep! i'm a letdown i know. why cant i just smile and continue the pretense? who knows? i mite really become one famous person cuz of that. but reality hits me hard. i'm wad i'm. i cant become somebody like that. it's almost impossible. but then again , nth is impossible. dreams r wad made all things possible. talking about dreams, i've long aspired to become a writer when i grow older(and write about yourself, crapping all day long says my sis). should i pursue this aspect of life? or should i juz take up courses for accountancy? to think of it, accountancy is really the more practical choice. but i do really want to become an author. it's so much more meaningful and i'll be doing something i love to do. to take up accountancy, one muz be good at maths. i'm not. so i can forget bout it. to become an author, one muz be good at english and perhaps literature. i'm not either. so i can forget bout it. i once wanted to be a teacher too. i wanted to get teacher's day's presents from my students. i like getting presents. i muz make them like me so they'll give me nice presents. but first i muz decide wad i want to teach. then again, i have to be good in a certain subject. i'm not. so i can forget about it... looks like i can forget bout everything isnt it?
dreams against reality and practicality. which will emerge the winner?
let the fight begin...
*i just realised that moi sis is an essence of trouble. she's practically the manufacturer of trouble. wherever she goes, there is trouble. she loves giving trouble. and she has just deleted off my O LEVEL listening comprehension index number. know wad this means? i've to go thru all the trouble to save it all over again. irritating like shit. eat shit la u!
Our Promise (:
9:50 PM
Tuesday, July 12
I've got a chemistry test on thursday, a social studies test on monday, and a chinese test on tuesday. i haven done anything to prepare for it at all. yesterday we had five periods of maths! i was so tired after school i didnt study. i even forgot to do my chemistry worksheet and had to endure the criticism of my teacher. somehow or rather i felt very irritated when she indirectly scolded me for not doing my work. "you can lie to me, but you cannot deceive yourself." she says and i can feel her gaze burning onto me. i felt annoyed. but perhapsthis annoyance was to cover up for my guilt. guilty that i dui bu qi zi ji(let myself down) and is harming myself.
it is important that you get into a good jc so that you wont be looked down upon for the rest of your life. It is shown in kidsread. XXX really suck up to those JC people and lick their boots! Well, maybe im just exaggerating a little because of my hatred for her. right now, im perfectly contented with my life, except for the fact that i get fuming mad when i see her. she is defintely a thorn in my flesh. you can say im biased against her but i dun care. it's probably obvious that i don't like her and she doesnt like me back. i dont mind leaving it like that. i dont want to like her and i dont want her to like me. to be frank, i'll be very pleased to wash my hands off kidsread in August. No more XXX to face. Hoorah. But bad point is, i like the kids there. they're so adorable but not exactly innocent tho. At such a tender age, they prob know more bout relationships than i was in primary 3!
My sister asked me when is the nearest public holiday. i scanned thru the calendar. it is national day. one more month to go. someone came to my class last week to pass us this form. we were to make a choice of which activity we want to participate in after national day. now, i sort of regret putting down scuba diving and kayaking. should have chosen rock climbing and abseiling. that's something to boast about i hope.
at first i thought the whole level would be going, but it turns out to be only an EC-only activity. i think its jolly mean of me, but somehow i feel privileged to be in EC. it sounds nice and we do fun stuffs. I used to envy (and also despise) people in good classes when i was in sec 2. i thought it was really unfair. why did they deserve all the good stuffs when we couldnt have it? but now that im in a class like that, i began to feel glad that its like that. its fun to take part in activities which involved only te so-called better classes in sec 3. i think i better make full use of it now since i'll probably never enter such a class again. in fact, with any luck, i might just manage to enter JC. forget about the prestigious schools. they're too good for me. i cant even grasp hold of maths formulas, how can i pass maths?
sometimes i feel ashamed of myself. im so lazy. i appear lazy. i am lazy. usually when i say i didnt study for a test, i really didnt study. not like most ppl, they claim they dont study, they appear like they dont study. but when the test arrives, they shock you with their excellent results and smile smugly, attempting a humble remark when u could only stare in shock. I know, because i was like that once too. but obviously i didnt produce excellent results. they were actually far off my expectations. now, i practically gave up studying. it's just too hard. but they say that to be successful, you need to possess 99% of hardwork and 1% of intelligence. so i've decided to start by completing all my hw. i hope this works.
My parens just noticed that my sister's general knowledge is much better than mine. they attribute this to the newspapers she has been reading day and night. she seems to appear to be hungry for knowledge, with the desire to learn more news but i think its just an excuse to not do homework. but im worse. i dont do hw, neither do i read newspapers. my parrents scold me for not reading the newspaper. they scold me for reading Life! only. they scold my sister for reading the newspaper all the time. how weird can they get? wad exactly do they want? to read, or not to read? both results in scoldings and i can never understand wat is it that they truly wants from us.
Maybe it's becos of the generation gap and that probably results in communication break down. but it cannot be. my parents and i both speak english. my parents and i both speak chinese.there is no way we can misunderstand each other. in a way, its good, we made our opinions known to each other so we know how each of us feels about a certain topic. And we rake up a fuss when we dont agree with each other. nothing out of sorts. A typical normal family, full of quarrels and arguements. Arguements which brings the family closer together. Like the italian family in the JLC.
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Shuxiang sent me a message. she said she liked her present and she enjoyed reading my letter. i'm glad she thinks that way. i'm also glad she doesnt know that i thought her birthday was on the 6th july. i'm sure it would be very awkward if i passed shuxiang her birthday present o the wrong day. i've been feeling very guilty about it. i promise i wont make this mistake again. i remember she was sick on her birthday or something, cos she wasnt in school. so i juz put it under her desk yesterday during recess.
there was this CIP list list being passed around during lesson time. i realised that i was ( so far) the only person who did above 40 hours of CIP. it's all due to library and kidsread. to tell the truth, i much prefer CIP at AMK library. it's much more interesting in a way. at library, we get to see ppl from all walks of life, old, young... everybody. one bad point is that we arent allowed to talk at all. i wonder y, really. what's wrong with chatting a little? it helps to make work more fun and it is also easier to pass time like that. i'm having my chinese listening comprehension this friday. i certainly hope i dun get 10/20 again. that was so embarrassing and shameful. fancy getting a 10 when most get 18? like munyee. i really think she's a genius or something. always so smart. sometimes i almost wish i can be her instead of myself. true, everyone has their own good qualities, but i strongly believe that some have more good qualities than others. i, for one, is one with less good qualities. she, for one, is someone with more good qualities. it's not that i'm trying to lift her to the sky or something. no i dun think that highly of her. it's just that i know she's better than me. Sometimes, its really stressful to sit beside a smart alex like her. every time i look over after completing one maths question, she'll be working on the next questionm already. it's like she's always one step ahead, and me, one step behind. but i'm not complaining. no use i'm born like that. it's nobody's fault i guess. but i'll try to be smarter.
but is it really possible?
i dunno.
Our Promise (:
8:49 PM
Sad. Disappointing. How did Lin Dan actually lose to Chong Boon (whatever u spell) in the Malaysia Open? And too bad I couldn’t catch the match. I really wanted to watch it but that sickening dad took so long to buy his wristband that we missed it. This makes me wonder, why do everyone I support always lose in the game? Li Jia Wei lost in Olympics last year. Boonsak Ponsana lost in Olympics last year too. Ronald Susilo lost to Boonsak in Olympics last year too, even though this isn’t really that bad. Li li lost to Zhu Lin in the Malaysian Open. And now, Lin Dan lost to that person. Haiz…
Well, at least Li Jiawei won Tie Yana. I got my book review voucher just now. $30 to buy books!
Our Promise (:
7:53 PM
Saturday, July 9
I suddenly realised something. The London blast incident happened on Thursday, 7/7/05. It was probably the most significant day for many of the people in London. It was significant for me too, not because of the blast, but because of my oral. It’s just hard to believe that when I was in the room waiting for my turn and shivering in fear, there are actually others far away who are also shivering in fear. What right do I have to be frightened of such a minor thing like oral when our fellow beings in London were instead fearing for their lives or the lives of their loved one. I suddenly feel very guilty. Guilty for getting scared over such a tiny matter. How can I compare such a trivial matter like oral with what the Londoners are facing? Later on that day, after oral, I was still happily laughing and joking with my friends, glad and relieved that oral was over. How could I have been rejoicing when lives were taken away, miles away? Perhaps this is a reminder for us to cherish our lives and loved ones. My daddy asked me for a word to describe the terrorists other than “barbaric”, on Friday morning. The first word that came to my mind was inhuman. How apt is the term to describe them! Are they really humans at all? How they had given no thought to killing others! Have they no sense of guilt or conscience? Are they not human too? I cannot understand why they did this. Just like I cannot understand why there was a need for war. Maybe I will understand next time….
I went for kidsread today. There were two new people from Junior College. One called Victoria and the other called Rachel. They are generally nice people I suppose. Victoria was the more friendly one. She asked for my name and school and then shook my hand. Like shaking the hands of a professor says Huifang. Huang See and Huang Sui were there today. I had to take care of Huang See and Huang Sui. They were rather difficult to handle and I could see that the lady(a parent I suppose) seems rather impressed (or is she sniggering?) with the way I was taking care of the kids. But XXX certainly doesn’t think that way. She thinks that everything must be solved with violence and being soft with the kids isn’t going to help. But what right does she have to draw on Huang See’s face? Hmph! And then later before we leave XXX even told us to learn from those JC people! How insulting can XXX be? We’ve been there for months before them, how can she lower our status, like we are just her shou3 xia4! She think she very good but actually she’s like shit! Never mind, shant get so worked up over this stupid woman. Its not worth wasting my breath.
After Kidsread was over Huifang, Jeridyn and I went to Plaza Singapura and walked around. It was quite fun only we were only walking without any motive and doing nothing much actually. Later on the MRT train I probably spoke too much and too loud about our school and Jeridyn and Huifang were trying to hint to me not to reveal more information. Oh wells. Me and my loud mouth. i definitely cannot be a criminal when i grow up. if im ever cornered by the police, i'll probably be declared guilty even if i didnt do anything. i better learn to have a sharper longue.
Our Promise (:
7:41 PM
Friday, July 8
yay! hoorah! oral finally over. today i can gloat over the fact that my oral is over when half my classmate's oral isn't over yet. i wonder whats the topic for them. is it more difficult? Ah well.
Today in school i had a sad time cos i failed my maths miserably. mot really my fault yet completely my fault. its my fault because i didnt really listen in class last term and thats why i didnt do well. plus the additional fact tt i completely didnt do my maths homework. when i did, i passed up rubbish. but on the other hand, its not my fault because i started to listen in class this term and i did my work this term. so there. not one hundred percent my fault as you can see.
but nevermind, i heard its not graded. i certainly hope so. during lit i had to write and write and write non stop. it was really tiring as mrs tian seems to be shooting words from her mouth. i can hardly catch wad she is saying, much less write them down. when i finish one sentence she is already a few sentences ahead. had a really tough time mann. but nevertheless, i tried my best to squeeze everything i could remember onto my book. at the end of lit lesson, my arm really ached like hell. my advice is that we lit students bring a tape recorder and record down everything mrs tian says. then we go home, listen and copy everything at a leisurely pace. wouldnt that be nice?(sings)
during history lesson just now, mrs tan didnt come. so we had this relief teacher who was once from st nicks. turns out that she is xiao tong's sister (i think). plus we found out that she was from RJC. from wad she says, rjc doesnt sound very nice. i had every intention to enter rjc(if i can but i highly doubt so after maths test) but now, (even if i can make it) it doesnt really seem like a very good choice. considering the fact that the relief teacher only joined rjc because of the uniform. and the ppl there seems mean. they played a joke on this poor fat girl by voting for her to take part in the prom queen peagant! oh my gosh! wouldnt that hurt her self esteem so much? i definitely dun wanna go to a school where everybody laughs at me and i have to change myself to fit the "normal" students' lifestyle in order to "fit" into the crowd. i'd rather just be myself. even though that'd be a tad bit too weird.
Why am i even thinking of jc stuffs right now? my Os are not even over yet. i haven even secured a single A1. hope that my oral can get a distinction. at least that can help to give me a certain amount of hope and confidence in myself. shows that i can talk and converse in chinese! haha. but then oral is not completely over yet. there's still the english oral to face next year. huifang suggests that i can start practising for it now. ah well, maybe, maybe not. my tuition teacher says that she is very worried for me cos at this stage my chinese vocab should be quite strong and i shouldnt have so many words which i dunno how to write. she got me worried too. i guess im too proud of myself or sth but i've always thought that you can just pick up the book one week before chinese O lev and study and then you'll get an A1 in chinese. how wrong i am, i suppose.
When u are at the end of the road dont look back. it'll get you no where. walk on.
huifang just asked about my nick. "btw if we reach the end of a road wont we die if we continue walking?" ya, i've never considered that actually. it all just sort of came out as i was typing and i didnt pause a moment to even think about it. i guess its true. maybe instead of forcing yourself to go on, one could just have the courage to turn back and face the music or sth. "you're encouraging ppl to die (no offence)"huifang states. hmmmm....come to think of it, it really sounds as if i was trying to say, if you come to a time where you have no solution, just get off the path, its the best way out. but it could mean other things too. like u can make a new path yourself. you do not necessarily have to follow the path given to you and turning back wont exactly help much. you're still on the same path. and....i dunno..its too philosophical for me to explain. its up to you to decide. its like those kinda shows that let you guess in the end, did this person choose him or the other person. something like that. even though you may not like the ending, it at least gives you space to think and consider the possibilities of the story. but this isnt a story duh.
Anyway, samantha didnt come to school today. i seriously wonder why. i messaged her and she doesnt reply. is she so sick she cant get out of her bed? poor her. (or maybe she just cant be bothered to reply? cos her head hurts too much or sth...or she is too busy spending time in the toilet, got stomach ache or sth) well, she refuses to say anything else, so i'll have to guess. maybe she is making use of this chance to practise oral? no, i shant doubt her. she's my fren! haha...i wonder if she will be going for kidsread tomorrow. wad if she's so sick she cant come? well, at least there's huifang to accompany me. dun even know if jeridyn will go,cos she also got oral. jeridyn didnt come for lib yesterday, i remember. i wonder why and where she was at? dun tell me she also sick? how come like everyone sick at this time? just now in the afternoon soh teng came to my class, she was also down with flu, sore throat i think. poor thing. her oral is on mon or tues some more.
anyway, gtg...my dad wants to play mah jong. he loves playing that game. its not real mah jong, more like clearing the same of a kind. haha.
Ps...good luck to all those who haven had their oral!
Pss....dun worry, it aint really that hard....can be a fun experience.
Our Promise (:
7:50 PM
Thursday, July 7
Oral. Finally over. But the waiting time was horrible. You have to sit down there and wait and wait. Slowly, slowly, one by one, the students start leaving the room and you get frightened. You know it’s your turn soon. Then the front door swings open. The teacher sticks his head in and looks around. You stand up. The teacher stares straight at you. Its your turn. Your hands are shivery as you fight hard to have a tight grip on your book and water bottle. Sounds of “good luck” rang in the room. You try to smile back and wish them luck too. Then, you step out of the door. “Where to put this?” you ask the teacher, signalling to your belongings. “There.” He gestures to his right. You do as he says and stand about, waiting. “Sit there.” He pointed. “Sit here?” you ask. He nods and hands you the paper. “You have 5minutes.” He says. You sit and look at the paper. A wave of relief surged through you. The passage is not that difficult. You practise reading a few times. You get bored. You stare aimlessly at the door, hoping that the person inside will come out soon and you can hurry up get over with it. You listen to the sound of your watch’s second hand ticking away. Boom. The door opened. She stumbles out, looking slightly pleased. You don’t know her, so you don’t smile. You look at the teacher expectantly. He nods and announces, “You may enter now.” You hand over the paper nervously and gripped the door knob tightly. The door opens and you see two ladies. Carefully, you turn to close the door. Mentally preparing yourself for the worst, you step forward and greet them. Then, things began to happen in a “fast forward” pace. You can hardly remember what happened inside. Before long, you stagger out of the room. “Its over.” You breathe, exhilarated. You feel like you just took a roller coaster ride which just ended. You bounce happily into the library and let your excitement be shared with your cca mates. You are in no mood to play scrabble. Your instructor smiles nicely at you and advices, “Its time to switch from Chinese back to English.” You try to heed his advice but fails. “You’ve lost your touch after 6 weeks huh?” He exclaimed, a short while later, after noticing that you are trailing behind by 80 plus points. You nod sadly, silently agreeing. Finally, after some magical touch with your hands, a bingo appears. You excitedly slap the tiles down and find yourself in the lead. However, slowly, slowly, your opponent catches up and you lose in the end by one meagre point. You help to clear up. The library aunty wants to take a look at your sister. “Bu4 xiang4 ni3! Ru2 guo3 ni3 mei2 you3 gen1 wo2 jiang3, wo3 dou1 bu4 zhi1 dao4 ta1 shi4 ni3 de4 mei4 mei4!” You attempt a sweet smile at her. “Aunty, bye bye!” you say, to curry favour. You walk home with your sister. Blabbering to her about oral all the time. She seems interested to listen to you crap. You wonder why, but its good n a way. At least there’s someone to listen to you crap. You suddenly felt that you spoke too little. You feel worried, yet happy its finally over.
Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.
Our Promise (:
7:45 PM
Wednesday, July 6
I suddenly dun really feel that scared for oral. feeling very calm right now. but as munyee says, i'd most prob be freakingly nervous by tmr. i thought i was the worse prepared one in my class. turns out that some people even has the mood to watch tv. Scared zi4 gua4 zai4 zui3 bian1, but still can watch tv and not prepare. how envious i am of her. how can she be so relaxed? maybe she isn't....could be biao3 mian4 shang4 only....but actually inside very scared.
I failed my physics again...such a failure i am...and that Munyee got second highest in class! so pressurising! sitting beside one of the physics genius in class. some more she claimed that she was gonna fail. from fail become A1. Wow. isnt that something to hold her in admiration for? never mind...i may not do well in physics, but i do well in certain subjects, like... erm...like... Shit. cant find any... oh mann... i refuse to believe i dun have any niche subject. nevermind. i have faith that i'll discover it soon.
Faith. the name of my class. Is that supposed to be a hint?
Our Promise (:
10:02 PM
ORAL!!!!!
OH MY GOSH...
i have ORAL in just 17HOURS time! and im still here blogging. im digging my own grave. serve me right if i dun do well. wonder if it helps when one is frantically trying to read bao4 zhang1 du2 hou4 gan3 at this last minute point of time. My sister stared at with incredulously when i went online. Don't you have ORAL tomorrow?! she asked, seemingly shocked that i still have the mood to go online. no choice, girl...no choice...gotta go do stuffs.
i still cant believe it. why is oral advancing on me so fast? haven i already got myself a strong defend force ready to push them back? is it not enough? the enemy is moving forward slowly, wanting me to succumb to them. I won't. after tmr, it'll be over...yay. but for now...ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pray....where's my lucky star?! I need you tmr! please appear, i beg of you.
Our Promise (:
9:32 PM
Tuesday, July 5
i just happened to chance upon my last yr's stuffs...and saw this very bu4 qi2 yan3 de4 diary entry which i wrote last year....thought it sounded funny....it amazes me how i was able to write like that(even though the "like that" isnt really good either). but i'll post it anyway... get some recollection of sec two memories and life... a very sad one i recall... though not all are sad. Sec two classmates...dun read this!
Dear Diary, Everyone is busy studying for maths class test as if its really important. that made me ask myself, why am i not studying? Am i really that apathatic to it or am i too proud to study? hope not, i dun wanna become another proudie. During lib duty on tuesday, i realised that we would be going to support our seniors at pybesterian high(how hard to spell, i hope its correct but i dont care) on 31st july. So interesting, i can visit another school. Right now, it was supposed to be geography lesson. bt the teacher never come, so we are politely ordered to do geog workbook. Surprisingly though, it still hasnt rained. just now, the clouds were so dark and heavy that i thought it was going to rain immediately. however, it didnt. im surprised. but im surprised at many things this yr. today, i feel depressed. My long time duty partner is changing her duty to friday. i will be so lonely next week. on wed, all the ppl on duty are sec twos. not that i dun lik them, but they may not welcome me though. maybe they will answer my questions but i doubt they will really talk to me. well, bye bye to my "toilet breaks". sad sad sad. wait, i mustnt say that about them. they are actually quite nice ppl. i think the unfriendly one is me. A whole lot of whines came from beside me, it's actually quite funny. i wanted to laugh, but stopped. It is impolite to laugh at others. only i wonder if ppl actually laugh at me instead. hmmm, weird thing is, i keep saying the word, "actually" but actually "actually" is a nice word to use. i think i will use "actually" more often. in 5 minutes time, it will be maths class test. not a big deal, at most, i will just fail and stay back on monday. All the better, it gives me time to polish my rusty maths. Dior just shrieked. i couldnt control my laughter anymore. i gave a snort. just a tiny snort, so that it wouldnt sound so impolite. its two more minutes to maths. i doubt i'll be able to finish writing this. oh well. the black board says:"Dikir Barat Competition". i dont like it. maybe i should fall sick on that day. to prepare myself to fall sick, i should start following my list now, in case some dont work but i'll still have time for others.
Steps to take to fall sick: 1) Eat plenty of chocolates. (but im broke, no money to buy chocolates. and my mom only allows me to eat one choc per day. one choc per day cant make you sick right? then of cos one choc per day plus 10litres of water after choc wont make you sick. So, method ineffective! 2) Wash hair with warm water then step into a cold air-conditioned room. (I know this one doesnt work. My air-con is old, not cold anymore. Its only cold at 12 midnight, and the coolness is not even from the air con, its from the spirits flying about in my room. So there, I wont try it) 3) Step on my food, then eat it. (It wont work too. If i step on it, i definitely wouldnt eat it, its too disgusting. Imagine a piece of bread with a footprint printed on it. Do you want to eat it? Cos NOT!) Too bad, i have no more steps left. therefore, i conclude that none of my ideas work. So, i have no choice but to be present on that day. sad. im depressed. I can already hear,"Not again! Why are you always so depressed? Don't be so pessimistic! Well, I am just going to tell you this--I'm always like that! HAHA!
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Ahs....reading this makes me remember the past....come to think of it, i really, really enjoy those days where i could not study at all for my maths and yet still ace it easily...i still dun study now...but no more aces... they're all failures... so sad. there goes the genius part of me... even though this yr i prob have more friends than last yr, but academically, im not doing as well. sadly. which is why i have to buck up right now. My mom nags at me to study all the time. its for my own good i know. cos if she's not there to nag me, i prob wouldnt study at all. so she's my lucky star? haha... dun believe in that...but if i really do have a lucky star, please. whoever you are, come out and bring me luck. Oral is just around the corner. i need you!
Come out, come out, where ever you are...
Come out, come out, whatever you are....
Our Promise (:
8:24 PM
dun understand why my blog's music is like that....when i previewed it, the music was something nice...and sweet...not like this....funny sounding one...hmmm.
ah wells...who am i to complain?
oh no....oral on thurs!....so freaky...its getting nearer and nearer.... argh...scary...still, cant be too bothered about it already. so what if oral cannot get distinction? my senior also never get distinction but O lev chinese still get A1....i shall follow in her example...haha
so glad i finished all my homework....for once. im so proud of myself for that. Im really determined to turn over a new leaf as you can see... i hope hard work pays off. i dun wanna repeat the failure results i witnessed last term.... the look of disappointment on my parents' faces.... i'll change that this term... this term u will only see radiant smiles on their faces... no wrinkles...nothing...haha...
ok...off to work hard! kumpetai!
Our Promise (:
6:48 PM
Sunday, July 3
ah wells..we had to go for this milk run thing today...the sun so hot....my voice still not good...hmmm...and it was pretty much BORING most of the time....im so glad there's sammie there to pei wo or else i really dunno wad to do there...
i wonder...how come only got our sch and SJI? so weird....it certainly doesnt look like there's ten thousand people there...haha... i think SJI ppl are disgusting mann....i heard this group of SJIs saying, hey, lets go buy the whole lot of drinks from those girls, then ask for their number...sick mann... but maybe i shouldnt criticize them,...how am i to guarantee that i wont be like that too if i am a boy myself? plus there is this additional fact also that they openly discuss about wad they did at their date's home...urgh. disgusting. if they want to do so, cant they do it in private or sth? its not like everyone wants to listen to those kinda stuffs.
no matter... im not them. anw, the run was a great form of exercising. i think i prob lost quite a bit of fats stored in my body... haha...i rmb me and sam got scolded cos we walked the inside route, try to get some bit of air con...haha...then the lady scold us just when we were walking out...hmmm...wads the use mann...want to scold us scold at the entrance, at the exit already still bother to scold for wad? waste saliver only...
just watched "earthsea".. great show! haha....its something like a mix between harry potter and lord of the rings... full of magical stuffs and fantasy. feeling so damn tired after the run.... can sleep immediately....zzzzzzz
good night! sweet dreams!
Our Promise (:
12:15 AM
Saturday, July 2
I finally did my maths! I guess it's gonna be the first time in the past two terms that i actually passed up my maths homework on time...I'm really trying hard to improve on my maths. hope i can catch up after lacking behind for so long. It seems almost like Mission Impossible. But nothing is impossible, they say. I'll believe them just this once. I read my sister's written diary today. It's much more personal and funny and interesting...lots of things she doesnt want some people to read and enjoy-or she'll lose face.
"An online diary is for everyone to see and read, a written diary is much more personal and you can write down your inner most thoughts without offending anyone. You're free to write anything you want. online, you must sensor your thoughts." These were my sister's words. how indept she is at analysing things! there is already no doubt that she will do well in literature in future. I quite agree with those words actually. Just yesterday or the day before(i cant remember which),i just vomitted out a whole chunk of thoughts about falling down and stuffs and i get asked if i was feeling depressed or sad or sth(no offence, i know u're great and concerned frens). Not to worry though, i will never do anything as foolish as killing myself. No, i value my life too much. Anyway, even if i dun value it, i still wont commit suicide. there is the pain i fear. unless u can think of a painless death. so u wont be seeing my picture in the front page of Straits Time anytime too soon. Maybe about 50 to 60 years later u might get a "70yr old lady dies peacefully in her sleep." thats the most exciting it can ever get i assure you. but seriously, i do wonder a lot of times, what will happen after you die? Do you enter a whole new universe or just float in endless space? its just so intriguing to know the truth. but sometimes, the truth could be something very terrifying, something you'll regret knowing. So sometimes, its better not to know the truth.(but is the truth terrifying enough to ward off curiousity?says my sis)
I didnt go for kidsread today.
Didnt feel like going. After all, its not my week to begin with. So there's no need for me to be there. my sis told me that huang sui was very lost without me there, she kept looking around the room for me with this really sad look on her face. I feel guilty for not going, especially after hearing that. Poor girl! I promise you i'll go next week and you'll find me there, waiting for you...My sister said she cut her hair too. I'm sure she'll look very cute and adorable...she'll have to miss me on alternate weeks though, because i really do not intend to go on a weekly basis anymore. the Os are arriving pretty soon and i still have this huge mountain of homework to complete. plus this fact that i somehow lost confidence in reading stories to them. oh well. some aeroplanes just flew over my house with this huge droning sound. i dunno why, but i always feel frightened when i hear that. everytime it happens, i'll squeeze my eyes shut tightly and get prepared to be blasted into a million pieces. even though nothing of that sort happened(duh, or else i wouldnt be writing this), i'll always have this vivid scene in my mind, seeing myself blown up into pieces. since young, i've always been frightened of war. to me, nothing is scarier than war. its a terrible thing. the most terrible thing of all. to think that people in the past actually sees war as sth which brings glory to their country makes me sick. the gory of war. the deaths brought about by war. the after effects of war. the pain of losing loved ones thru war. the madness of war. all for the sake for gaining new territories. What the hell for?! Its so dumb. i cant understand it. maybe i will in a few years time...maybe....
maybe?
Our Promise (:
10:34 PM
Friday, July 1
Sometimes people come into your life and you
know right away that they were meant to be there.
To serve some sort of purpose, to teach you a lesson, or
to help you figure out who you are or who you might want to become.
You never know who these people may be...possibly your roommate, neighbor,
co-worker, long lost friend, lover, or even a complete stranger...
you know at the moment they will affect your life in some profound way.
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Sometimes things happen to you that may seem horrible, painful, and unfair at first,
but in reflection you find that without overcoming these obstacles,
you would have never realized your potential, your strength, your willpower or heart.
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Everything happens for a reason.
Nothing happens by chance or by means of good luck.
Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness and sheer stupidity
all occur to test the limits of your soul.
Without these small tests, whatever they may be,
life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere.
It would be safe and comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless.
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The people you meet who affect your life, and the success and downfalls
you experience, help to create who you are and who you become.
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Even the bad experiences can be learned from.
In fact, they are probably the most poignant and important ones.
If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart, forgive them,
for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious
when you open your heart.
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If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you,
but because in a way they are teaching you to love and how to open your heart and eyes.
Make everyday count.
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Appreciate every moment and take from those moments everything
that you possible can, for you may never to experience it again.
Talk to people that you have never talked to before, and actually listen.
Let yourself fall in love, break free, and set your sights high.
Hold you head up because you have every right to.
Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself,
for if you don't believe in yourself, it will be hard for others to believe in you.
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You can make of your life anything you wish. Create your own life,
then go out and live it with absolutely no regrets.
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Most importantly!!!!
If you LOVE someone, tell him or her,
for you never know what tomorrow might bring.
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author unknown
Our Promise (:
9:23 PM
I wish the earth would open up and swallow me.
how could i have made such a stupid mistake?
but come to think of it, it aint really my fault. how am i to know that my kindergarten classmate's name is Choy Xin Yi and not Ng Xin Yi? After all, i couldnt rmb anymore...
but its so embarrassing! when that msn pop up window thing appeared and i saw it was xin yi, my heart skipped a beat. oh my gosh, its xin yi, my kindergarten classmate! She's online at last! i was so excited...she asked who i was and i told her, im abeline, remember? ur kindergarten classmate....she couldnt remember(i dun blame her, how can she remember a person she doesnt know in the first place)...i was quite disappointed really...then i asked her if she had a cousin yvonne quek and she told me nah, thats Choy Xin Yi! wad a mistake! i added a person i never knew off just because i thought it was my kindergarten classmate....it was kinda disappointing tho its rather funny actually,....i laughed til my side ached. but at least, she is quite a nice person. After all, one more friend doesnt hurt...
i decided to stop my find for the real xin yi...too energy straining... there's an emotional drain too...its as if i can never find my lost frens again...once lost, u can never recover them...i actually regretted joining sngs...my first choice primray school was mayflower...all my frens went there...why shouldn't i? but no. i had to be in sngs (not that i dun like it. i do!) the worse thing is that i misplaced my fren's phone number-i could kick myself for that, but i guess it wouldn't have helped. what's done is done, u can never reverse things like that. Ah well.
My voice is slightly better now...thank god. at least u can decipher wad im saying. sadly, instead of resting at home i was dragged out of my home to do my physics project(no blame on anyone, other then the project itself..) which lasted(luckily) a mere forty five minutes...or half an hour actually. Poor rina....the time she takes to travel to school is even longer then the time we spent on the pro...and she still has to make her way all the way back again. she was the earliest by the way. i feel quite bad cos i think my house was the nearest and it wasnt really fair for them to come all the way to school for this project. Still, it cant be helped..no one really wants to come.
Noreen sent me a message. she thanked me for my note and wished me all A1s too. She said she remember me and i was wrong. im glad im wrong. its heartwarming to know that at least five or six seniors remember you...especially those u hardly talk to at all...i hope the sec threes next year will give us a nice farewell...i want these notes for souvenirs too. its nice to read, especially if ur juniors write a lot or talk crap...i like reading rubbish, i guess its because i write rubbish as well....ah wells....
My mom's bringing me to buy winter clothings tmr...even tho im only going to china in November plus the fact that the weather there is only about 14 to 15 degrees. is there really a need to get those thick furry jackets i wonder? but never mind...its the thought that counts...i'll wear it even if its like a small sauna bath inside it...at least i wont freeze....at most i just drip sweat. after all, no pain, no gain...
Patience and persistence can bring down the tallest trees....
Our Promise (:
8:33 PM
The Princess
Name:Abeline/Shinzo Abe/Maggie/abalone/da mee/xiao mee/abby/Xiao bao/Si mao
age:17! No longer sweet 16:(
sch:NJC
horoscope:Aries!
