;x OURPROMISE// Holdmyhand :DD x;

Monday, May 7

Today is the day of college day holiday. i just took a look at the slip of paper Munyee wrote to me last yr, before Os and perlims. It said : "HC!! Go together!! yeay!!" Which is exactly wad we did. we went there together. unfortunately, we didnt leave the school together as we had hoped to do so 2 yrs from now. instead, i made my move first, barely 4 months of schooling at hc. it made me bitter. my time there was so short. it was certainly not enough for me. time was not on my side. there were just too many things i had not done yet. Dreams all at once faded away as i left the premises. it was almost as if the place itself had created those dreams in me and not my own mind. All of a sudden i began to wonder if i had made the right choice in choosing this sub combi.i hope tt i'll not grow to regret this 2 yrs down the road, just as i had done for physics.

The stars tonight are really bright. When my mom sang out an animated"Twinkle twinkle little star" to me before telling me that there are "lots of stars in the sky", i merely laughed, amused by her actions. Some time later i happened to walk into the balcony and she was right. there were millions of stars, dazzling bright in the dark background. As i stared at those stars, i realised how small and insignificant i was, amidst the sea of twinkling stars. At that moment, i felt as if the stars were coming nearer and nearer and ready to swallow me up into the universe. It made me feel so relaxed and serene that i felt so like plunging into the stars, free like a bird, without any worries or any care in the world.

My hc class had given me a mini photo album with photographs which we had taken together. on the cover of the photo album, the word "family" could be seen. it had felt so right and soothing to see that word then. for a moment i really began to think that despite all that had happened, we were still going to be as close to each other as before. that night, i hugged every single person in my class as a form of bidding goodbye. for the first few weeks i visited them frequently until one day i just stopped going back altogether. the reasons were aplenty. i ran out of ppl who would accompany me into hc to visit my frens. my hc classmates were busy and so am i. Our free times were visibly different and i was getting more and more uncomfortable in the place i used to and still loved to be in. it is probably the sch u i suppose. i get paranoid entering hc in nj uni. somehow i keep feeling stares at me and i began to wonder what these ppl were thinking: oh! this is the girl who couldnt stay. wad's she doing back here. thick skinned. go away. i dun welcome u. im better than u.....

All these thoughts just keep flowing through my mind and i know...they may not be true but i just cant stop thinking bout it. no matter how damn hard i try. the feeling of inferiority still lingers. it is almost as if the word "inferiority" has been carved deep into my heart and to remove it would take months, if not years. And loads of pain involved as well.

i've just finished reading The Pact. After borrowing from munz for so long. its really sad and touching..to have a person love you so much that he is willing to do anything for you-even kill u for ur sake. i dun think this will ever happen to me(not tt i'l ever want to kill myself..nono..)

i used to think that maybe looks don't matter so much. it would be perfectly fine not to look pretty or cute or whatever because there is a higher chance of someone liking you for who you are and not how u look. then a friend of mine told me, that in order for a person to want to know you better, you have to attract first. And for that to happen, you have to look good. unfortunately, looking good is definitely NOT my forte. in fact, the words "look good" doesnt even exist in my dictionary. looks aside, i find it hard to even picture a person who will ever like me because of who i am. Jeez, i don;t even like myself! How can i expect others to like me when i don't? I don't think i can ever be as selfless as Chris. I cant ever imagine myself in his shoes...killing someone you love so dearly just because it is her wish. It ends her suffering, but it starts your own. i am selfish. i will never do that. but then again, maybe its because i haven't experienced what it is like to fall in love. Maybe i don't know wad true love is.....maybe i will never know....

My body may have left the place, but my mind is still locked somewhere deep in the heart of that place, unable and unwilling to come out.

Our Promise (:

9:22 PM